So back in December, I entered the world of fitness blogs on tumblr (fitblrs). I fell headfirst into pictures of slim and toned bodies, yummy meals, and self love. By January, I had started working out nearly daily and trying to fix my eating habits. But it only lasted for about a month; my motivation slowly dwindled, and eventually I stopped altogether and went back to my old ways. While I was working out, I had lost about fifteen pounds, but after stopping, I gained it all back, plus the occasional extra few pounds, depending on the day.
I've always had issues with my weight, even though looking back, I was perfectly fine when I was younger, just not thin. I've never been thin. I got made fun of in elementary school, but I didn't think much of it. I was always aware I had extra weight. But it wasn't until a car trip where I was stuffing myself with candy where I looked down at my thighs when I thought to myself "Oh...I'm fat, aren't I?" Of course, I didn't do anything to remedy my problem, only covered myself up more. I remember in high school hating my body, but what I wouldn't give to be that size again.
In the past few years, these issues with my weight and my relationship with food has gotten worse. I've gained a lot of weight due to stress, depression, and an unhealthy relationship with food. Food has always been a comfort thing, or a boredom thing, and living on my own in a dorm only reinforced bad eating habits. I had my periods where I would try to eat healthier or exercise a bit, but I never really committed to anything.
In January, I felt like I was committed to finally changing my life, and I was, but...I don't know, I had the motivation, but not the drive to stay constant. Of course, I was upset about it, but I was getting more and more depressed, so half of me didn't really care. The other half of me was trying to accept myself as I was. I still am. I think everyone should love themselves just as they are. But I also believe that if you're unhappy, make a change, and I am unhappy. I am not the shape I want to be. I am not at the size I want to be. I can't fit into the clothes I want. I am uncomfortable in my body. But more importantly, I'm not healthy the way I am. I eat poorly. I sleep poorly. I don't get enough exercise. I'm not strong. I am not the me I want to be. I want to be a smaller, stronger me. For no one else but me.
I don't know if this time will be "the time." I don't know if I will get to my goal weight. I don't even know what my goal weight is. But I'm going to try. I've been really depressed lately, and feeling like I can't do anything. I haven't been motivated to do anything at all. But I want to do something. I want to achieve something. I don't want to be unhappy with myself anymore. I have to change the way I think - where I feel like everything that isn't a major success is a failure. I have to change my eating habits. I have to change how very impatient I am. I have to change how I plan and organize my life (life planning is nonexistent at the moment).
While I am in this period of not doing much, little things are a success. One of these successes was writing out a life plan of sorts in my fancy purple paper notebook. I'm going to constantly be adding little goals to it and taping it to my wall right behind where my computer is so I can always see it and be motivated. This is a list of goals from now, July 2014, until sometime in 2016.
Work on comics
Get comics out there
Get commissioned
Sell art at MTAC 2015
Go to AWA 2014
Cosplay at Colossalcon 2015
Lose weight
Get strong
Live healthy
Do more art
Get a new job
Always have money
Go back to school
Become comfortable driving
Record an UTAU voicebank
Keep up with penpals
Maintain cleanliness
Plan things out
Get things done on time
Get over fear of failure
I am really excited for the changes I am going to enact. I know they will take time and won't be easy. But I'm going to try. I'm going to try as hard as I can. I'm tired of being complacent, lazy, and not the Bunny I want to be.
Watch me grow. Watch me turn into a magical girl who can do anything. Watch me become strong, lean, and healthy.
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