The Past Month - Colossalcon and Such

I started my last post with pictures of my plushies, didn't I? Oops! Plushies are cute and the pink one relates to this post very slightly, anyways.

So, I haven't written here in a month, and I'll get to that in a bit. Excuses, excuses. I also have to talk about my first ever Colossalcon!

It was definitely the most fun I've had at a convention in...ages. I don't know how long since I've enjoyed myself at a convention that much. It helped that I was with good friends and the con was executed very very nicely, but it probably didn't hurt that I only knew three other people besides the group I was with!

Colossalcon is held at a convention center that has a joined hotel that has a huge waterpark in it! I can't swim, so I've never really been to a waterpark. I was a bit scared by the irrational thought of drowning or getting water in my eyes (okay, the latter was not so irrational), but I went and...really loved it! I also feel like I got over another fear by going in front of all those people in a swimsuit, haha. I didn't do too much the few times I was there; I wasn't brave enough to go down any waterslide. But I did go down the lazy river and really loved the wave pool. 

As for the actual convention, it was great as well! It was really spread out in the convention center, which meant it was never too crowded in the halls. I didn't go to too many panels for one reason or another, but the ones I went to were nice, and there were a lot I did want to go to, or thought they looked really cool or fresh. 

I guess my only complaint about the convention was how small the artist alley was. The artists they did have were all great, and I'll post a picture of what I got below, but there weren't very many. The dealer room was very great and well organized, but they didn't really have a video game booth.

At the dealer room, I got (because I don't have a picture) a Gokai Pink little blindbox, a Battle Japan Gokai Key, a really inexpensive Idolm@ster shirt, and got my pink squeaky sheepy in an Amiibo trade! I didn't buy too much in the actual dealer room because I didn't have too much money to spare and I wanted more handmade things from the artist alley instead. I did almost blow $40 on a Decade figure, but it wasn't the basic Figuarts, it was something more advanced. They also had a Riderman Figuarts, but he was expensive, too. I think I do want to start getting figures again though. 

From the artist alley, I got two doujins, some stickers, a JoJo pin, a Sailor Moon zine, a Chibi Moon print for my friend, some Kamen Rider pins and print, and a small Pokemon bath bomb that had a Squirtle charm in the middle!

Unfortunately, my allergies started acting up really early on in the con, and because someone we were driving had gotten sick, me and my fiance got sick as well, me more then him. I'm all better now, but it was pretty bad.

Lately, I've been occupying my time with Splatoon! I wasn't too sure of it when it was first announced, and then seeing my fiance play it so much got me obsessed! I've been drawing squidkids nonstop, they're so cute!! Callie and Marie are the cutest, and so are Annie and Spyke, and just all the squidkids in general... oh yes, the game itself is very fun, too! I'm actually okay at it, with the roller anyways.

I also broke my promise and dyed my hair! I don't really regret it, and it looks pretty cool, I think.

So since I've gotten back, I haven't been too well. My depression and anxiety have been really loud in my head and I felt like I haven't really been able to do much. I'm trying to work through it the best I can, which is going so so. I think I'm going to start searching for another therapist. I think talking to someone who's not in my life and who has a more clinical perspective might be helpful; it was in the past.

I'm trying to accept my limitations, and accept who I am now, the latter of which is proving to be very hard. As always, I struggle with my weight, and I am working to change it, but I want to accept me now as well. I have to accept this is my body now and yes, it can be changed, but this is who I am now. I need to get over the fact that certain things cause me to panic and that is okay and my feelings are valid. And I need to find something that will calm me down when I do freak out.

But, I am feeling better then I have been in a while, so I feel like I can do some things again. Cleaning the apartment really, really helped, because my mind feels more clear, now. No promises, but I am going to aim to post one blog post and one video a week! Wish me luck!

I hope you guys are having a good start to your week~!

Metamorphosis Part II

This is my OOTD, by the way~

It's been a while, again. Gosh I'm bad at this updating regularly thing! Any way, this post is another personal talky post, so I'm sorry if you don't like that sort of thing ;c

In my last entry, I talked about the things I had and had not accomplished in 2014, and what I hoped to do in the future. Sounds good, right? ...well, it would be if I actually DID something.

My depression and anxiety have been pretty steadily bad since then. I haven't done much of anything. And that's not a fun way to live. I've been very frustrated at myself for weeks and keep aiming to change my ways. But I haven't DONE ANYTHING. I've made lists. I've practiced self care to ease the voices of my mental illnesses. But sometimes, the best self care is kicking yourself out of bed and doing things. And that's what I've decided to do - and have been for the past three days.

I think the catalyst to propel me forward in this is a realization. For almost four years, I've been gaining weight pretty quickly, and it's to the point that it's not only affecting me mentally but harming my physically. I've tried dieting, working out, even starving myself. Yet for some odd reason it never really made a big impact. I even had a thyroid test done, but that wasn't the issue. And then a few days ago, browsing through healthy progress blogs on tumblr, I realize...oh, I have a huge problem with binge eating, don't I? 

And I do. I don't want to think that I have a problem, but I do. I haven't yet discovered what my "triggers" are but I'm working on it. I think it was a little hard to admit because I feel like I have so little control on my life as is, I thought maybe I had control of the thing you need to do every day to stay alive. But there's nothing wrong with having a problem as long as you realize it and try to work on it. 

So, three days ago, I decided to shift my life. It was time to change. Not just my poor eating, but everything. And so far, so good! I've been tracking what I eat more closely, eating slowly, and listening to my body. I've applied for at least ten jobs so far. I haven't really put out any art but I've at least been sketching every day. I've remembered to take my meds and do other healthy little things. I haven't started working out yet because my sleep has been so poor and all over the place, but hopefully Thursday I can start. I also haven't started doing my mass cleaning/getting rid of things project for the same reason, but I'm excited (albeit a bit overwhelmed) to start this! I've also planned to do a lot more and a lot better job of saving money. 

So that's what's been going on. I haven't really "accomplished" much yet, but already I just feel so much better and happier. Hope you all are doing well and are happy and doing what you want!

Life Update: Three OOTDs, Zines, and Etc.

I haven't posted in ages, have I? -_- There's quite a few reasons for that, which I'll talk about later. Firstly, let's talk outfits!

About a month (yeesh, a whole month) ago, me and my bestie decided to get dolled up in lolita and just hang out around the local college campus. Miraiina is actually pretty new to lolita, and this was her first time going out in it! It's something that can be very scary, but she said that having me with her helped, so yay. We really didn't do much, but we did film an OOTD video, which, when it's uploaded, will be linked to HERE. Below are both of our outfits!!

Miraiina's look~!

OP: Bodyline

Socks: Bodyline

Shoes: Bodyline

Purse: Loris...?

Accessories: Many Etsy stores!

Pink & White Delight

JSK: Bodyline

Bolero: Off-brand (Target?)

Socks: Off-brand

Shoes: Bodyline

Purse: Loris

Wig: L-email

Accessories: AP, factoffrills, Etsy, off-brand

My second OOTD came maybe three weeks or so ago? Pretty much, I wanted to dress up, and I wanted to be PINK. Me and Miraiina got matching pink jelly shoes, and I've been wearing them pretty much any excuse I get. Now, I want to say something about this outfit. I'm plus sized. I have fat on me. I jiggle. So I was kind of self conscious wearing these shorts, but I wanted to because I hadn't all summer. And you know what, I felt cute in them. So wear what you want, guys and gals :)

Unfortunately this is the best and only shot I got x_x 

Top: Walt Disney World

Shorts: WalMart

Shoes: A'gaci (Brand is Bamboo)

For the third OOTD, I'm really feeling fall. Fall brings out my inner goth, so I like to wear dark clothes and such. I had a lot of fun with this outfit, and honestly I felt wonderful. I did an OOTD video for this look, which can be found HERE. While I did get a lot of head shots (ahem, selfies) from this outfit, I didn't really get any full body pictures, so I had to take a screencap from the video XD 

I'm going to keep calling it Nu Goth because I can XD

Hat: Forever 21

Dress: Forever 21

Shoes: UNIF

Glasses: Vintage (from my fiance's parent's storage unit!!)

I've been kind of in a rut, lately. I won't really get into it, but I just haven't been very happy lately. I have some things I need to do, but I just can't find the energy to do it, and I end up sleeping through most of the day. Not very fun.

I have discovered a new show which everyone else has already discovered before me - Orange is the New Black! Wowwww this show is so, so good. From the first five minutes, I could tell that it was brilliantly written. I intended to watch it just to have on in the background while I do other things, but I literally cannot look away while it's on! I wholly recommend it! (If you are of the appropriate age, of course ^^)

Something else I've done which hasn't made me sad is CREATE ZINES. I've been in a creative/destructive mood and zines are the perfect outlet for that because they are so open format and can be whatever you want them to be. Like, thinking about them makes my brain tingly (in a good way, of course) and makes me feel like I can do anything. I'll be putting them up on Etsy once I have some printed. I'm planning on making a few different ones right now, but I'm sure I'll end up making loads of different ones *3* I'm going to a used bookstore tomorrow to find some books and magazines to cut up.

Also, I've been oddly comforted by pictures of plants, lately. Plants, fog, and water. Let me show you one of my favorites!!

Daisies! Water! Vintage filter!

Finally writing this, I feel a lot better. I've had this blog page open for about a week and a half, trying to finally write everything up and post it. I've just been so depressed, but hopefully I'll break through it soon. I'm going to edit a vlog I filmed today and watch more OITNB and draw some alien girls or something. I hope you all are having a wonderful day!!

The Past Week or So

Today I am feeling in a mentally bad place, so I decided to do things that would cheer me up, like writing a blog post.

As you can see from the picture, I redyed my hair! Well, my friend did. I love it but...suddenly, two weeks later, I want to go to a natural color! Maybe a color slightly darker then a milky tea brown? I think my hair is still too short for lighter colors...if it ever gets back to its former glory, I might go full blonde, but right now, I just want a creamy brown color. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to get the color corrector and dye right now! ;o;

This past weekend, I went to a mall with the fiance and some of my friends. This is what I wore:

It's a pink and purple paradise outfit, heehee! We all went to the candy store and bought some candy, and Ashley even bought me a Hello Kitty plush! And when we got back into town, Ashley gave me some money she owed me for a dress I sold to her...in the form of a video game!

(I got a manicure with my mommy, as you can see~) Project Diva F! I already made a post about my refound love for Vocaloids, so I won't make another...but let me just say this game is GREAT! I might post a review on it. But it will definitely be in my monthly favorites. I also want to go back and buy the first two Project Diva games...I might, once I have money...

OR, I might spend all my money forever on my newest obsession...TAOBAO! Taobao is a Chinese shopping site which hosts loads of different stores. There, you can find anything, from home goods, to jewelry, to anime goods, even lolita clothing! I'm definitely going to make a huge post on future wants from Taobao. I might just buy all my clothes from there from now on! So much CUTE STUFF.

Another thing I've done recently is go to the thrift store. While I was there I found a few cute items of clothes, but my real catch was this:

A Totodile Pokedoll, straight from the Pokemon Center in New York! He's so round and cuuute. Also, a Sudowudo plush, but that's not as impressive, hah.

A few days ago, my fiance traded in some things and got a 3DS XL. It's soooo huge compared to the regular 3DSs! And so, I decided I had to have one, too. I gathered together some old gaming things to trade...and at the first store we went to, the one where he got his, they said even with all the things I was trading in it would still be a lot to pay. I was really discouraged, but we tried another store, and they took everything and I didn't have to pay a thing! (And fiance got the huge Metal Gear collection for really cheap!) So here is my new baby:

I've already covered it in stickers :3 I've also gotten back into Animal Crossing! I was SO into that game when it came out a little over a year ago, and played it pretty hardcore, but when Pokemon X came out, I was a little negligent of my town! But I think I'm getting back into the swing of things.

And then when we came home from getting the DS, we got out of the car, and heard a meowing...and up comes a black cat! He (the fiance says it's a he? I couldn't tell...) looks to be about a year or so old, and in very good shape and of a good weight. He was so friendly! He talked to us, rubbed us, and even let me pick him up when he made a dash for our door XD He really wanted to come inside...and if we didn't have a pet fee, and had a bit more money for cat food and litter and vet visits and such, we'd take him. I named him Horus!

Tonight I heard him meowing outside our door, so I went outside to say hello...it started raining, so me and the fiance sat under the overhang with him until the rain stopped. I want to keep him so badly!! I know we can't but...he's such a sweetie...

As for today...I've had an okay day. But in my head, I've just felt like something is screaming and trying to get out. I deal with depression, but for the past few weeks or so, I've been dealing with it splendidly, and now to suddenly be falling back down is...ugh. I've become fixated on how I view myself again. And I don't think too highly of myself when I get down. 

But tomorrow is a new day. I can change. Right? Right.

Depression Sets In? Top Ten Favorite YouTubers!!

Apologies for not posting in the past few days. I've been kind of down, and yesterday was literally the worst day in ages. Ugh. I remember when my depression first really took over me. I couldn't do anything. I was a lifeless shell, pretty much. But one thing that made me smile a bit was certain YouTubers.

This isn't necessarily a list of those YouTubers who cheered me up then, but rather my all time favorite YouTubers right now. Of course, many of those people who made me feel alive again are on this list! Some of these people are well known, others aren't, and they all make videos about different things. I hope you find someone you like here!

And you can find my new YouTube account here. Where are the vlogs I promised? Well…I filmed two more, and now my computer won't recognize the SD card or the cord. Huh. One day?

10. Drew Disaster

Drew is a new find for me, but she still makes the list! It will become evident as you read this list that I like vloggers who make fashion vlogs! I love her goth-y, cute style. She is absolutely beautiful and her personality is so fun! Definitely check her out if you like alternative fashion.

9. Piinksparkles

Sammie is one of those vloggers I found when I was in my dark time. I don't remember how, but one of her videos popped up in my recommended videos list and I gave it a watch. This is when I fell in love with beauty vloggers. Sammie is absolutely adorable and has a really unique fashion style. I've been following her for a while, and I've really seen her grow. A lot of times with beauty vloggers, I watch then not necessarily for the video content, but because hearing their voice and seeing their smile is like having a friend talk to you. She's one of the "bigger" beauty vloggers, but still check her out. She doesn't let her popularity go to her head and remain true to herself. And she was going to school (I don't know if she finished yet or not) to become a mortician, how cool is that??

8. Sycra

I found this user through a tumblr post. Someone was saying he had discovered the "secret" to drawing perspective much easier. I gave it a look and…yes he did. He has a lot of cool drawing tips and hints that I never would have thought of! Sycra also reviews art programs and critiques art, as well as showing his own art and doing art tutorials. I honestly haven't watched many of his videos yet, but definitely recommend him if you are an artist!

7. Princess Peachie

Peachie is one of my favorite two lolitas! She's a sweet girl and sweet lolita, and I just love watching her sugary, frilly videos. Her world seems so interesting, she's one of those people I really just want to be friends with. She's also a very strong girl, for many reasons. I love everything that she does, if that doesn't sound too creepy, haha. She's an excellent lolita who wears mostly Bodyline and offbrands, also, which is really cool in a fashion filled with brand snobs. If you like lolita fashion, give her a watch!

6. Blogilates

I've mentioned Blogilates before in my "Weight Loss for Beginners" post! Cassey has revolutionized making exercise fun with her pop pilates videos. She is so happy and bubbly, and in each of her videos she is very encouraging. It really helps you complete the workout! And if you don't have a lot of time, her videos are short, so you can just put on a few and get a whole workout!

5. JonTronShow

Oh, Jon. I was introduced to him through my fiance, who watches more gamer videos then I. Jon has a great sense of humor and his editing is just fantastic. He doesn't do let's plays, but rather reviews, both on YouTube and Normalboots. I can't really give him enough praise, so just check him out.

4. ‪愛川こずえ‬

Kozue is a lovely girl and a fantastic dancer. And did you know she played KozKoz in Akibaranger? Anyway, she was another wonderful person I found when I was truly down, and her smile and dances really cheered me up. I can't explain why.

3. Caddicarus

Like Jon, Caddy has a very unique sense of humor and his video game videos are so different from the norm. Me and the fiance just started watching him about a month ago, but we've since watched most of his videos because they're all so great! As you can tell, I'm not good at describing video game vloggers, haha.

2. blndsundoll4mj

Yes, I disagree with a lot of this girl's views and actions. But Trish is such a lovely, wonderful person. She doesn't just make beauty videos, but those are probably the videos of hers I like the most. Trish has dreams of making it big, and I really want her to succeed. And before you insult her intelligence, you do know half her current videos are jokes, right? I don't recommend Trish for everyone, but she is a lot of fun.

1. grav3yardgirl

Her name is Bunny, too! Honestly, she annoyed me a bit at first, but I thought, "Her name is Bunny, so I have to watch one of her videos!" So I did, and I fell in love. Bunny is probably the most unique person on this list, both in terms of fashion and personality. She also suffers from depression and anxiety, and I think that's one reason why I connect with her on a deep level. To be honest, I'm not liking a lot of her recent videos, they seem to be aimed more towards what her viewers want to see rather then what she wants to make, and she always says certain phrases because that's what her viewers want. But her videos from about two-three years ago…I must have watched her old videos at least five times each. Like I said, it's not always about the content, but about having someone there, talking to you. My love for this girl is endless. I want so badly for her happiness. I'd recommend checking her out, maybe watching some of her outfit of the day videos first.

Me May//Goals for the Month

Happy May Day! It's my birthday month, so it's "Me May," hahaha. I hope you are all having a wonderful, warm day and enjoying the sunshine! Also, for those of you who are in school, I hope your exams go well! Work hard!

I don't really want to make too many "personal" type posts on here…so I'll keep it to this paragraph. I'm going to be bluntly honest - I took off from work after lunch because I was panicking over the stupidest thing. My depression has been acting up terribly recently. All I want to do is sleep, or just lie around; I don't want to do anything I like or anything fun. I don't want to see friends or go to work. I'm crying and panicking and getting anxious over the silliest things. But…I don't have the luxury to give into my depression. I have to help my fiance out and work. To be honest, it's been hard trying to fight the darkness. Really hard. But I have to. I'm going to try my hardest this month to be able to depend on myself and not others. FIGHT!

As for my birthday, I really don't know what I want to do! I kind of want to have a little get together with friends…but I don't know what to do. I'm sure I'll end up going to eat at one of my favorite restaurants, Cheesecake Factory, with my parents and the fiance. I actually don't have work on my birthday, yay. 

I want to buy myself a present, but I'm not sure what. For years, I've been wanting a certain, small tattoo, and I thought I had come to the decision to get it for my birthday, but…I'm not sure anymore. Maybe a video game? Maybe a 3DS XL? Maybe a button maker? Maybe a trip to Sephora? And I know UNIF is coming out with a platform gelly shoe soon…I don't know!!

As with every month, I like to set goals for myself. Feeling accomplished is a good thing! So, here are my goals for May:

• Clean the apartment and KEEP IT CLEAN!
• Make blog posts every day!
• Try to get back on track with healthy eating
• Finish 10 art pieces
• Beat any video game (because why not)
• Try to be okay with myself
• Drink so much water
• See a little bit of weight loss progress

That's it for today! I'm not sure what tomorrow's post will be…I know what I want it to be, but I won't say it because then I'll jinx it…

Be happy!!