Today I am 26

Hello! It’s my birthday! We came back from our Disney World honeymoon yesterday and it was wonderful! …but I’m quite sick now, haha. I’ll definitely be vlogging about my trip and such later this week, but for now I’ll just be writing a bit about last year and what I would like for the future. 

When I turned 25, I said, “I have been alive for a quarter of a century and I want to really live my life now.” Or something to that effect. And now, my 25th year is through and I don’t have much to show for it. A little more then last year, but not that much progress, I guess. If you have read other entries in my blog, you might realize that in the past few years, this has become a common theme. I make plans and say I want to change myself, and then I don’t, and I feel sad.

I think I really haven’t known myself lately. I know me from the past, and I know the me I want to be, but I don’t focus on the me in the present at all. It’s always “what can I do to become X” or “how can I get back to Y.” I feel that I know who I am now, though. I am told I am impatient, that I worry too much, that I talk badly about myself too much, and I reply, “I know.” I undertand that I am depressed, that I am overweight, that I am not where I want to be. But I guess I kind of…look past it. There is a straight line between past me and the me I want to be, but when I put my current self into the equation, it gets messed up and I’m like, “what went wrong? how can I now get to where I want to be?” I don’t accept who I am now, I see it as something went wrong and it’s bad and now I need to fix it.

Of course, that’s not to say I shouldn’t want to change and improve. Even if I were living my “dream life” I would still want to better myself. But I shouldn’t see myself as I am now as “bad” or “wrong” just because I went off the path I vaguely had planned. I am here, and I have to accept that, and make a plan from where I am now, not from where I was. 

I am 26 now. I say this every birthday, but I want to make this year the best year of my life and make lots of steps towards something great. These are the things I would like to work towards this year:

HAPPINESS. Overall, this is most important. I feel like I have been a bit better with stopping negative self talk and removing myself from upsetting people or things, but of course I have a long way to go.

MONEY. We are moving in about a month to another apartment. We’re going to stay there for about a year, and while we’re there we’ll be saving for a house~! So I need to find a good job so I can save up! But, I also need to find a job with a schedule that will cooperate with…

CAREER. While I want comics to be the thing I do in life, I undertand that this could just be a hobby forever, and not a source of income, and that’s fine. But I’d like to have a specific field or specialty that I can work in for sure. When trying to figure out what to do in life, many people say you should look at what you wanted to be as a child. I wanted to be a Sailor Senshi, so tht doesn’t really work. But another thing was…something medical. Not a doctor or nurse, but something more behind the scenes. My parents have both worked in many medical settings, and when I was little my favorite thing was going to my mom’s work before school, where she worked as a pharmacy tech in a hospital. So, I’ve decided that’s what I would like to aim for! I’m not sure exactly when this will start, it depends on the school I’ll be getting my certificate from. But, I am excited!!

ART. I feel like lately I have been drawing more then I had been (which was very little), so I am happy. But I’m still not confident enough to post most of it online anymore, and I feel I’ve been very stagnant in my improvement. Lately I’ve been forcing myself to practice drawing things I wouldn’t normally draw or styles I don’t feel comfortable drawing in and I think it’s been helping! I’d love to keep it up!

HEALTH. I feel like now more then ever I am very ready to make changes and stick to them. This includes eating much better and controlling my portions, and being active much more often. This time around, I would like to enjoy the journey, instead of focusing on a goal I have not yet achieved.

DO MORE. I guess this is the “etc.” category. I would like to be more social, online and off. Do more vlogs and blogs. Watch more movies and shows. Play more games. And so on. I would like to feel like I have done things. 

And, I suppose that’s it! I’m sure I will think of more things, but these are what come to mind first. I can’t wait to see what this year of my life brings! 

Metamorphosis Part II

This is my OOTD, by the way~

It's been a while, again. Gosh I'm bad at this updating regularly thing! Any way, this post is another personal talky post, so I'm sorry if you don't like that sort of thing ;c

In my last entry, I talked about the things I had and had not accomplished in 2014, and what I hoped to do in the future. Sounds good, right? ...well, it would be if I actually DID something.

My depression and anxiety have been pretty steadily bad since then. I haven't done much of anything. And that's not a fun way to live. I've been very frustrated at myself for weeks and keep aiming to change my ways. But I haven't DONE ANYTHING. I've made lists. I've practiced self care to ease the voices of my mental illnesses. But sometimes, the best self care is kicking yourself out of bed and doing things. And that's what I've decided to do - and have been for the past three days.

I think the catalyst to propel me forward in this is a realization. For almost four years, I've been gaining weight pretty quickly, and it's to the point that it's not only affecting me mentally but harming my physically. I've tried dieting, working out, even starving myself. Yet for some odd reason it never really made a big impact. I even had a thyroid test done, but that wasn't the issue. And then a few days ago, browsing through healthy progress blogs on tumblr, I realize...oh, I have a huge problem with binge eating, don't I? 

And I do. I don't want to think that I have a problem, but I do. I haven't yet discovered what my "triggers" are but I'm working on it. I think it was a little hard to admit because I feel like I have so little control on my life as is, I thought maybe I had control of the thing you need to do every day to stay alive. But there's nothing wrong with having a problem as long as you realize it and try to work on it. 

So, three days ago, I decided to shift my life. It was time to change. Not just my poor eating, but everything. And so far, so good! I've been tracking what I eat more closely, eating slowly, and listening to my body. I've applied for at least ten jobs so far. I haven't really put out any art but I've at least been sketching every day. I've remembered to take my meds and do other healthy little things. I haven't started working out yet because my sleep has been so poor and all over the place, but hopefully Thursday I can start. I also haven't started doing my mass cleaning/getting rid of things project for the same reason, but I'm excited (albeit a bit overwhelmed) to start this! I've also planned to do a lot more and a lot better job of saving money. 

So that's what's been going on. I haven't really "accomplished" much yet, but already I just feel so much better and happier. Hope you all are doing well and are happy and doing what you want!

June 2014 Favorites!!

June went by super quickly for me. And you know, not a lot got done either. Kind of a blah month, to be honest. But in June, the fiance and I purchased lots of games and I did lots of thinking and sketching, so there's that. Here's hoping July will be a better month! I'm going to start working out again, so that will be fun.

Also, this isn't the official post about it, but I just hit 575 (well, 576) followers on my tumblr, melty-bunny! It's not a lot compared to others, but it's a lot to me, and 575 just happens to be my favorite number. So, I'm going to be hosting a giveaway!! It's not up yet, so I can't say exactly what's going to be in it, but it's going to be a lot of things that are special to me, or that I think are cool. I can already tell you Sailor Moon, Pokemon, and lolita fashion are going to be involved, so stay tuned ^_^ GIVEAWAY CAN BE FOUND HERE

Random OOTD from today? Okay. Also, before we get started, let me tell you about my hair trauma (because I don't want to dedicate a whole entry to it). I wanted the blue and pink out of my hair and wanted just a nice, normal lighter brown in my hair...and it was an ordeal. First I used a color stripper/remover product to remove the colors...but it barely worked. Then I thought, maybe the dye could cover it up anyways and it would just be darker. Nope. It looked really ugly. So I had to go out and get bleach, let it sit on as long as possible without my hair falling off and it almost got all the color out. Tried dying it again and it's...well, the parts that were pink are a cute color, but the parts that were blue is kind of a dull ashy color, plus that area got really destroyed by the bleach, so it's all frizzy and gross. But, I'm done messing with it for now. If I do anything with it, I'll dye it a little darker brown. No more bleaching or weird colors for me for a while. And definitely no cutting it. I want it to at least be at my shoulders, if not longer.

ANYWAY, onto my monthly favorites~

Let's start with my only beauty product for the month - Tarte's Lipsurgence in what I think is the shade Lust. I got a mini of these in a set my parents I got for my birthday (which is why I don't know the shade; it doesn't say on the packaging). I haven't worn much makeup at all or dressed up often in June because it's so hot. But this is a great product to just throw on alone or paired with other products, and it looks great and stays on long. I first learned about the brand Tarte through grav3yardgirl's videos, and had never really tried anything by them before. This product is very smooth and doesn't dry your lips out like a lot of other lip tints do. You can find this product at Tarte's website, Sephora, and Ulta for a little over $20.

I guess I do have another beauty favorite, sort of. This isn't so much a favorite yet as I know it will be in the future. I briefly mentioned Taobao in my post about plus size lolita fashion; it's a Chinese website that hosts thousands and thousands of stores that sell everything from clothing to furniture to electronics, kind of like Amazon. I had said in that post that Taobao slightly intimidated me and I had never ordered from them yet, as you need a shopping service to do so. But recently I've just spent literally days browsing shop after shop, searching for something and finding so much of it. Street fashion? Anime paraphernalia? Plus size clothing options? Makeup? They have everything I could want and more. And everything is SO AFFORDABLE. It looks a little intimidating, because everything is in yuan...but 400 yuan? That's a little over 60 US dollars. Yeah. And I have to look hard to find something that I would want to buy that is that expensive, anyways. It's the shipping and shopping service fees that are what drive the price up. I haven't ordered anything from Taobao yet, but I have a few hundred bookmarks dedicated to things I'd like to purchase. I want to solely order all my clothes and gifts and plushes from there from now on!! Next time I have some money to spare, I'm definitely placing an order. Expect a haul soonish!

Next is something else that I received for my birthday, this little red Keurig! Doesn't it look so retro? Anyone who knows me knows I have a serious coffee and tea addiction and love going out to Starbucks. This severely cuts down on those Starbucks trips, as I can have creamy iced coffee or a flavored iced tea any time I want! So far my favorite flavors have been Donut Shop's original iced coffee and the raspberry iced tea by...snapple, I think? But there are so many other flavors to try! I have to be good and not drink four cups of coffee in one day, hahaha. This Keurig is a lesson in moderation, heh.

I mentioned these stickers in an older post where I talked about things I wanted to purchase in the near future. And I did! These stickers are the creation of artist Kaiami. All together, plus shipping, they only cost $17. I have them on everything, pretty much. They are so much cuter in person!! And, um, through a shipping error I happen to have two sets of each, and she told me just to keep the extras! How nice!! The extra sheets are taped to my wall currently, but maybe I should include them in my tumblr giveaway, hmm?

I have a notebook and sketchbook fetish. There, I said it. It's a problem. I see a cute blank book, I get attached, then suddenly I end up with a whole shelf full of half-used journals and sketchbooks. Anyway, this cute sketchbook is a Barnes and Noble exclusive I bought during a trip to the Vanderbilt store, and it was pretty cheap too. The best part? All the pages are perforated! Also, this sketchbook has been covered in stickers.

I made a whole post about Vocaloid. It's no surprise I would purchase a new Project Diva game. Hatsune Miku Project Diva F is the first Project Diva game to appear on the PS3. It's loads of fun, but it does have a few flaws. I've been meaning to write a whole review of the game, but I've never really done a review on a video game before, so it's a bit intimidating to do so. But, hopefully this month I will. As always, there are tons of fun songs and loads of modules, room pieces, and other things to unlock. I've pretty much been addicted to this the first half of June.

Mario Kart 8 is a video game both me and my fiance can enjoy! We've been playing it pretty regularly, but there's still a few things we have left to unlock. I am pretty much in love. It's so gorgeous! The graphics are just so clear and that sort of cartoony-realistic that make you want to jump in! The characters handle great and I love all the new additions they added in. I might do a review of this, but I think everyone's beaten me to it, hah. Of course my main character to race as is Princess Daisy on her fast little bike. I'm actually pretty good at racing games!

This is the last video game this month, promise! Tomodachi Life is either a great or boring game, it all really depends on you. I am definitely going to do a long review of this game. I downloaded it launch day and it hasn't gotten boring or old yet. Tomodachi Life is kind of hard to describe...it's sort of like Animal Crossing, sort of like The Sims, and sort of like the popular app, Line Play. Except, with your Miis. You insert your own Mii and any other Mii your imagination can create into an apartment and see what they get up to. You can change their rooms and clothes, but what they do and where they go are pretty much up to them. If this game sounds unappealing, I wouldn't spend the money to try it out, but if it sounds cute or interesting, definitely give it a go!

Okay, technically this isn't a video game, so I didn't lie! It's an app! Line Play, made by the same people who made the popular Line messaging program and Line camera, is a cute little program where you dress up your character, change their room, and interact with others (except if you're me, then you only do the first two). You can socialize and visit strangers, friends, or even licensed characters such as Hello Kitty, Marie Antoinette from the classic anime Rose of Versailles,  and a bar keep from Dragon Quest. It's pretty cute and a fun way to waste a little bit of time. Line Play is free, but of course you can purchase more hearts to give people or more gems to buy clothes and furnishings. I haven't (and probably won't) used real-people money in this app, but the prices are pretty reasonable.

Okay, technically Tomodachi Life was still the last video game, this is just a gaming apparatus, haha! This is my new baby, a blue (and now stickered) 3DS XL in blue. Honestly  I wanted a pink one, but I got this used, so I didn't get much choice. I also got this for free by trading in some old gaming things I didn't use anymore, so that's pretty cool, because the first store I went to to trade in stuff said I'd still have to pay like...more then $70. Free is better. The store owner transferred all my data over for free, so it's like my old 3DS is living in a bigger body. I looove the bigger screens. It's so nice and immersing.

My second to last favorite is a Korilakkuma phone case for my iPhone 5C. I'm going to go ahead and say that I'm very sure this isn't a licensed product. I got it off Amazon for about one dollar with five dollars shipping. It was supposed to arrive this month, actually, but it came within two weeks! It fits perfectly and isn't in any way cumbersome. My phone was cute before but now it's even cuter!!

My last favorite...maybe shouldn't be in my favorites because I haven't watched or read too much of it yet. But Ai no Exorcist/Blue Exorcist is in my favorites because I had avoided it for too long, never liked what I saw and hated its fans...and then I watched a few episodes and was hooked. Family, religion, and demons? Awesome. I will definitely be watching more, and I recommend it!

I had a lot of favorites, even though it was such a boring month! Hopefully next month has a lot of favorites as well. What were some of your favorite things this month?

As for upcoming posts...I'm going to try and actually dress like a normal human, so maybe a few OOTDs, some game reviews, summer anime first impressions, a link to the upcoming tumblr giveaway, aaand...who knows what else~

The Past Week or So

Today I am feeling in a mentally bad place, so I decided to do things that would cheer me up, like writing a blog post.

As you can see from the picture, I redyed my hair! Well, my friend did. I love it but...suddenly, two weeks later, I want to go to a natural color! Maybe a color slightly darker then a milky tea brown? I think my hair is still too short for lighter colors...if it ever gets back to its former glory, I might go full blonde, but right now, I just want a creamy brown color. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to get the color corrector and dye right now! ;o;

This past weekend, I went to a mall with the fiance and some of my friends. This is what I wore:

It's a pink and purple paradise outfit, heehee! We all went to the candy store and bought some candy, and Ashley even bought me a Hello Kitty plush! And when we got back into town, Ashley gave me some money she owed me for a dress I sold to her...in the form of a video game!

(I got a manicure with my mommy, as you can see~) Project Diva F! I already made a post about my refound love for Vocaloids, so I won't make another...but let me just say this game is GREAT! I might post a review on it. But it will definitely be in my monthly favorites. I also want to go back and buy the first two Project Diva games...I might, once I have money...

OR, I might spend all my money forever on my newest obsession...TAOBAO! Taobao is a Chinese shopping site which hosts loads of different stores. There, you can find anything, from home goods, to jewelry, to anime goods, even lolita clothing! I'm definitely going to make a huge post on future wants from Taobao. I might just buy all my clothes from there from now on! So much CUTE STUFF.

Another thing I've done recently is go to the thrift store. While I was there I found a few cute items of clothes, but my real catch was this:

A Totodile Pokedoll, straight from the Pokemon Center in New York! He's so round and cuuute. Also, a Sudowudo plush, but that's not as impressive, hah.

A few days ago, my fiance traded in some things and got a 3DS XL. It's soooo huge compared to the regular 3DSs! And so, I decided I had to have one, too. I gathered together some old gaming things to trade...and at the first store we went to, the one where he got his, they said even with all the things I was trading in it would still be a lot to pay. I was really discouraged, but we tried another store, and they took everything and I didn't have to pay a thing! (And fiance got the huge Metal Gear collection for really cheap!) So here is my new baby:

I've already covered it in stickers :3 I've also gotten back into Animal Crossing! I was SO into that game when it came out a little over a year ago, and played it pretty hardcore, but when Pokemon X came out, I was a little negligent of my town! But I think I'm getting back into the swing of things.

And then when we came home from getting the DS, we got out of the car, and heard a meowing...and up comes a black cat! He (the fiance says it's a he? I couldn't tell...) looks to be about a year or so old, and in very good shape and of a good weight. He was so friendly! He talked to us, rubbed us, and even let me pick him up when he made a dash for our door XD He really wanted to come inside...and if we didn't have a pet fee, and had a bit more money for cat food and litter and vet visits and such, we'd take him. I named him Horus!

Tonight I heard him meowing outside our door, so I went outside to say hello...it started raining, so me and the fiance sat under the overhang with him until the rain stopped. I want to keep him so badly!! I know we can't but...he's such a sweetie...

As for today...I've had an okay day. But in my head, I've just felt like something is screaming and trying to get out. I deal with depression, but for the past few weeks or so, I've been dealing with it splendidly, and now to suddenly be falling back down is...ugh. I've become fixated on how I view myself again. And I don't think too highly of myself when I get down. 

But tomorrow is a new day. I can change. Right? Right.