Today I am 26

Hello! It’s my birthday! We came back from our Disney World honeymoon yesterday and it was wonderful! …but I’m quite sick now, haha. I’ll definitely be vlogging about my trip and such later this week, but for now I’ll just be writing a bit about last year and what I would like for the future. 

When I turned 25, I said, “I have been alive for a quarter of a century and I want to really live my life now.” Or something to that effect. And now, my 25th year is through and I don’t have much to show for it. A little more then last year, but not that much progress, I guess. If you have read other entries in my blog, you might realize that in the past few years, this has become a common theme. I make plans and say I want to change myself, and then I don’t, and I feel sad.

I think I really haven’t known myself lately. I know me from the past, and I know the me I want to be, but I don’t focus on the me in the present at all. It’s always “what can I do to become X” or “how can I get back to Y.” I feel that I know who I am now, though. I am told I am impatient, that I worry too much, that I talk badly about myself too much, and I reply, “I know.” I undertand that I am depressed, that I am overweight, that I am not where I want to be. But I guess I kind of…look past it. There is a straight line between past me and the me I want to be, but when I put my current self into the equation, it gets messed up and I’m like, “what went wrong? how can I now get to where I want to be?” I don’t accept who I am now, I see it as something went wrong and it’s bad and now I need to fix it.

Of course, that’s not to say I shouldn’t want to change and improve. Even if I were living my “dream life” I would still want to better myself. But I shouldn’t see myself as I am now as “bad” or “wrong” just because I went off the path I vaguely had planned. I am here, and I have to accept that, and make a plan from where I am now, not from where I was. 

I am 26 now. I say this every birthday, but I want to make this year the best year of my life and make lots of steps towards something great. These are the things I would like to work towards this year:

HAPPINESS. Overall, this is most important. I feel like I have been a bit better with stopping negative self talk and removing myself from upsetting people or things, but of course I have a long way to go.

MONEY. We are moving in about a month to another apartment. We’re going to stay there for about a year, and while we’re there we’ll be saving for a house~! So I need to find a good job so I can save up! But, I also need to find a job with a schedule that will cooperate with…

CAREER. While I want comics to be the thing I do in life, I undertand that this could just be a hobby forever, and not a source of income, and that’s fine. But I’d like to have a specific field or specialty that I can work in for sure. When trying to figure out what to do in life, many people say you should look at what you wanted to be as a child. I wanted to be a Sailor Senshi, so tht doesn’t really work. But another thing was…something medical. Not a doctor or nurse, but something more behind the scenes. My parents have both worked in many medical settings, and when I was little my favorite thing was going to my mom’s work before school, where she worked as a pharmacy tech in a hospital. So, I’ve decided that’s what I would like to aim for! I’m not sure exactly when this will start, it depends on the school I’ll be getting my certificate from. But, I am excited!!

ART. I feel like lately I have been drawing more then I had been (which was very little), so I am happy. But I’m still not confident enough to post most of it online anymore, and I feel I’ve been very stagnant in my improvement. Lately I’ve been forcing myself to practice drawing things I wouldn’t normally draw or styles I don’t feel comfortable drawing in and I think it’s been helping! I’d love to keep it up!

HEALTH. I feel like now more then ever I am very ready to make changes and stick to them. This includes eating much better and controlling my portions, and being active much more often. This time around, I would like to enjoy the journey, instead of focusing on a goal I have not yet achieved.

DO MORE. I guess this is the “etc.” category. I would like to be more social, online and off. Do more vlogs and blogs. Watch more movies and shows. Play more games. And so on. I would like to feel like I have done things. 

And, I suppose that’s it! I’m sure I will think of more things, but these are what come to mind first. I can’t wait to see what this year of my life brings! 

What's New?

Hello from the Yoshi family~

I think I want to blog again so that's what I'm going to do! But it's been six months! Some things have changed. So I think it's time for a reintroduction. 

My name is Bunny and I'll be 26 in two months. In less than a month I'll be getting married to my best friend. We live in a small apartment with the cutest cat ever. I'm not sure exactly what I do with life, but I know I want it to be something creative, probably comics? I want to tell stories and have them reach people. I also really love helping people. Right now my future is a little uncertain, but that's okay!

For many a year I have felt limited in what I can do because of my depression, anxiety, and general fears of failure and such. I'm really sick of that, so I am trying to overcome that. And I think it might slowly be working!

On this blog, I am going to be sharing reviews about pretty much anything and just talking about things in my life that I like and want to share, whether that be fashion, makeup, video games, comics, etc.!

I am going to try and also use this blog as the center point for some things I would like to do - dances posted on my parapara channel, I want to experiment with a podcast because it seems like fun, any art or comic thing I do, and the very rare video.

A few things I am not going to talk about on here that I used to - lolita fashion (I love it to death but I;ve accepted that I don't think I'll be wearing it again), and most things related to mental health/weight loss/self help (because while these are things I like and things I want to help other people with, I I don't feel I am at the point to be able to be helping others). 

Some things that have changed or not changed since my last entry that I had been talking about: I haven't cut or dyed my hair in a long time, I am not going back to school just yet (I'm still not sure what I'd like to do), I really don't feel like making videos much anymore and that's ok (except parapara videos), I really feel like doing a whole bunch at once lately.

So, hello if you're an older reader, or hello if you're new! See you soon~

I'm 25! This Year's Goals~

Hello! It's been a while, again, hasn't it? I really have no excuse, hehe... ^_^; This is going to be another more personal entry, too, instead of something more structured and professional. But those sorts of entries will be returning next week!

Today, I'll be talking about what my goals are for this year of my life and my plans for the near future!

Well, I dyed my hair! I know I said that I wasn't going to for a whole year but...that was a silly promise. My hair did grow out a bit longer in the few months I didn't do anything to my hair, but I love being colorful! That was my present to myself, along with some clothes I'll be hauling on my vlog soon!

A few days before my birthday, my parents took me and my fiance out to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner. They gave me my present, which was what I had asked for - clothes money! More clothes to haul in a future video! I also used a bit of it to buy a few bath bombs from Lush!

On my actual birthday, I didn't really do anything at all. I was going to hang out with her bestie, but she had important stuff going on, and my fiance had to work all day. But we at least got burgers :P

This is a cover from a sketchbook I'd like to either do a blog or vlog showing~

So, what did I wish for? To be happy. To change myself. I feel like the whole metamorphosis thing I've been posting about really does describe me better then I thought. When a caterpillar goes into its warm and safe cocoon, it turns into goo, pretty much. And that's how I feel. I am surrounded by love and safety, and I feel like weak, useless goo. But I have the potential to become a big, strong, beautiful butterfly. And I will.

I'm going to Colossalcon this week (which I'll talk about in a bit), but when I return, I'm going to go hard. Eating extremely healthy, working out almost every day. Not just where my health is concerned - I'll also be working hard on comics, prints, stickers, et cetera. And I'm going to do these things because they are good for me and they make me happy. 

As I said, I'll be attending Colossalcon this weekend! Not only is it the farthest I've gone for a convention, but it'll be the biggest one I've ever been to! I'll try to take lots of pictures!

After that, I'll be making some posts on here such as monthly favorites, a review of my friend's Etsy shop, and more! I hope you're looking forward to it!

Metamorphosis Part II

This is my OOTD, by the way~

It's been a while, again. Gosh I'm bad at this updating regularly thing! Any way, this post is another personal talky post, so I'm sorry if you don't like that sort of thing ;c

In my last entry, I talked about the things I had and had not accomplished in 2014, and what I hoped to do in the future. Sounds good, right? ...well, it would be if I actually DID something.

My depression and anxiety have been pretty steadily bad since then. I haven't done much of anything. And that's not a fun way to live. I've been very frustrated at myself for weeks and keep aiming to change my ways. But I haven't DONE ANYTHING. I've made lists. I've practiced self care to ease the voices of my mental illnesses. But sometimes, the best self care is kicking yourself out of bed and doing things. And that's what I've decided to do - and have been for the past three days.

I think the catalyst to propel me forward in this is a realization. For almost four years, I've been gaining weight pretty quickly, and it's to the point that it's not only affecting me mentally but harming my physically. I've tried dieting, working out, even starving myself. Yet for some odd reason it never really made a big impact. I even had a thyroid test done, but that wasn't the issue. And then a few days ago, browsing through healthy progress blogs on tumblr, I realize...oh, I have a huge problem with binge eating, don't I? 

And I do. I don't want to think that I have a problem, but I do. I haven't yet discovered what my "triggers" are but I'm working on it. I think it was a little hard to admit because I feel like I have so little control on my life as is, I thought maybe I had control of the thing you need to do every day to stay alive. But there's nothing wrong with having a problem as long as you realize it and try to work on it. 

So, three days ago, I decided to shift my life. It was time to change. Not just my poor eating, but everything. And so far, so good! I've been tracking what I eat more closely, eating slowly, and listening to my body. I've applied for at least ten jobs so far. I haven't really put out any art but I've at least been sketching every day. I've remembered to take my meds and do other healthy little things. I haven't started working out yet because my sleep has been so poor and all over the place, but hopefully Thursday I can start. I also haven't started doing my mass cleaning/getting rid of things project for the same reason, but I'm excited (albeit a bit overwhelmed) to start this! I've also planned to do a lot more and a lot better job of saving money. 

So that's what's been going on. I haven't really "accomplished" much yet, but already I just feel so much better and happier. Hope you all are doing well and are happy and doing what you want!

The Metamorphosis of Melty Bunny

Pictured here, the wild Melty Bunny is going through an identity crisis and wears the skin of a fictional creature.

2014 is almost over and I'm trying to sum it up. It wasn't that it was a bad year, but it wasn't the best year, either. In fact, I'm thinking back at what I've done this year and...wait, what have I done?

I feel like I've wasted an entire year of my life. While that's not all true, I feel that I could have created some opportunities for myself. I don't think I could be in a whole different place then I am now, but I think I could have done a bit better.

I suppose I should focus on the positives of this year as well, but I shouldn't just ignore the bad or not so good things, as they are learning experiences. I'll start with the bad, to get them out of the way first.

• I haven't held onto a job for very long. I was not fired from any job, however. Medical and personal issues were to blame. I also really want to work for a small company, now.
• Because of the above, money saving of any sort did not really happen as I planned.
• I've been having really bad pains for the last two months or so and I've been sick for about three weeks :x
• For a lot of the year, my depression was really bad. I'll leave it at that.
• I put on a bit more weight.
• I haven't drawn, written, vlogged, crafted, et cetera nearly as much as I should have.
• I haven't made necessary preparations for certain opportunities to happen (such as selling art at a local convention...there's always next time...)
• My "to watch" and "to read" lists are bigger then ever :x
• I have realized that for some reason, I am fixated on the thought of failure. I am afraid of failure and I view everything I do that isn't an instant success as a failure. I have no idea where this came from, but it's really holding me back and needs to change.
• I wanted to clean more :x
• I am sometimes much too obsessed with the past.
• I am lazy and don't take initiative that often. 

But for all the negatives, there are a lot of positives~

• Got Horus the cat!
• I am still alive :)
• I have become more okay with my body.
• Became very close friends with Ashley.
• Stopped talking to someone who was probably the worst to have ever entered my life.
•  Even though I gained weight, I had times where I was really excited about getting healthy and fit, which will help me in the coming year.
• I feel more creative.
• Started a Patreon.
• While I panic sometimes, other times I have obtained a very "it's whatever" attitude. (I look around the bedoom at my fiance's clothes all over and think "it's whatever, it'll get cleaned but I don't have to stress over it")
• Did more of that dressing however I like thing.

Like always, I have high hopes for the new year, and plans that will hopefully be executed. But I'm also going to try not to focus so much on "it's been x days since the new year started and I haven't done y!" or anything like that. I'm also not going to beat myself up if something becomes unable to be completed. But! My goals for 2015 are as follows:

• Join Weight Watchers and lose as much as I can in a healthy way, whilst gaining strength and a better understanding of my body.
• Do art! Always! Get it out there!
• Start a gaming channel
• Update said channel often, as well as normal vlogging channel and this blog.
• Cook more.
• Try to keep the apartment clean
• Reorganize the apartment
• Be happier! 
• DO MORE.

I hope you all enter the new year happily and safely :3

Let's Try This Fitness Thing Again//Two Year Life Plan

So back in December, I entered the world of fitness blogs on tumblr (fitblrs). I fell headfirst into pictures of slim and toned bodies, yummy meals, and self love. By January, I had started working out nearly daily and trying to fix my eating habits. But it only lasted for about a month; my motivation slowly dwindled, and eventually I stopped altogether and went back to my old ways. While I was working out, I had lost about fifteen pounds, but after stopping, I gained it all back, plus the occasional extra few pounds, depending on the day.

I've always had issues with my weight, even though looking back, I was perfectly fine when I was younger, just not thin. I've never been thin. I got made fun of in elementary school, but I didn't think much of it. I was always aware I had extra weight. But it wasn't until a car trip where I was stuffing myself with candy where I looked down at my thighs when I thought to myself "Oh...I'm fat, aren't I?" Of course, I didn't do anything to remedy my problem, only covered myself up more. I remember in high school hating my body, but what I wouldn't give to be that size again.

In the past few years, these issues with my weight and my relationship with food has gotten worse. I've gained a lot of weight due to stress, depression, and an unhealthy relationship with food. Food has always been a comfort thing, or a boredom thing, and living on my own in a dorm only reinforced bad eating habits. I had my periods where I would try to eat healthier or exercise a bit, but I never really committed to anything.

In January, I felt like I was committed to finally changing my life, and I was, but...I don't know, I had the motivation, but not the drive to stay constant. Of course, I was upset about it, but I was getting more and more depressed, so half of me didn't really care. The other half of me was trying to accept myself as I was. I still am. I think everyone should love themselves just as they are. But I also believe that if you're unhappy, make a change, and I am unhappy. I am not the shape I want to be. I am not at the size I want to be. I can't fit into the clothes I want. I am uncomfortable in my body. But more importantly, I'm not healthy the way I am. I eat poorly. I sleep poorly. I don't get enough exercise. I'm not strong. I am not the me I want to be. I want to be a smaller, stronger me. For no one else but me.

I don't know if this time will be "the time." I don't know if I will get to my goal weight. I don't even know what my goal weight is. But I'm going to try. I've been really depressed lately, and feeling like I can't do anything. I haven't been motivated to do anything at all. But I want to do something. I want to achieve something. I don't want to be unhappy with myself anymore. I have to change the way I think - where I feel like everything that isn't a major success is a failure. I have to change my eating habits. I have to change how very impatient I am. I have to change how I plan and organize my life (life planning is nonexistent at the moment).

While I am in this period of not doing much, little things are a success. One of these successes was writing out a life plan of sorts in my fancy purple paper notebook. I'm going to constantly be adding little goals to it and taping it to my wall right behind where my computer is so I can always see it and be motivated. This is a list of goals from now, July 2014, until sometime in 2016.

Work on comics

Get comics out there

Get commissioned

Sell art at MTAC 2015

Go to AWA 2014

Cosplay at Colossalcon 2015

Lose weight

Get strong

Live healthy

Do more art

Get a new job

Always have money

Go back to school

Become comfortable driving

Record an UTAU voicebank

Keep up with penpals

Maintain cleanliness

Plan things out

Get things done on time

Get over fear of failure

I am really excited for the changes I am going to enact. I know they will take time and won't be easy. But I'm going to try. I'm going to try as hard as I can. I'm tired of being complacent, lazy, and not the Bunny I want to be. 

Watch me grow. Watch me turn into a magical girl who can do anything. Watch me become strong, lean, and healthy. 

Me May//Goals for the Month

Happy May Day! It's my birthday month, so it's "Me May," hahaha. I hope you are all having a wonderful, warm day and enjoying the sunshine! Also, for those of you who are in school, I hope your exams go well! Work hard!

I don't really want to make too many "personal" type posts on here…so I'll keep it to this paragraph. I'm going to be bluntly honest - I took off from work after lunch because I was panicking over the stupidest thing. My depression has been acting up terribly recently. All I want to do is sleep, or just lie around; I don't want to do anything I like or anything fun. I don't want to see friends or go to work. I'm crying and panicking and getting anxious over the silliest things. But…I don't have the luxury to give into my depression. I have to help my fiance out and work. To be honest, it's been hard trying to fight the darkness. Really hard. But I have to. I'm going to try my hardest this month to be able to depend on myself and not others. FIGHT!

As for my birthday, I really don't know what I want to do! I kind of want to have a little get together with friends…but I don't know what to do. I'm sure I'll end up going to eat at one of my favorite restaurants, Cheesecake Factory, with my parents and the fiance. I actually don't have work on my birthday, yay. 

I want to buy myself a present, but I'm not sure what. For years, I've been wanting a certain, small tattoo, and I thought I had come to the decision to get it for my birthday, but…I'm not sure anymore. Maybe a video game? Maybe a 3DS XL? Maybe a button maker? Maybe a trip to Sephora? And I know UNIF is coming out with a platform gelly shoe soon…I don't know!!

As with every month, I like to set goals for myself. Feeling accomplished is a good thing! So, here are my goals for May:

• Clean the apartment and KEEP IT CLEAN!
• Make blog posts every day!
• Try to get back on track with healthy eating
• Finish 10 art pieces
• Beat any video game (because why not)
• Try to be okay with myself
• Drink so much water
• See a little bit of weight loss progress

That's it for today! I'm not sure what tomorrow's post will be…I know what I want it to be, but I won't say it because then I'll jinx it…

Be happy!!